True but thats because hes a fetus.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sober January is a disaster.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
