I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
