my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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