I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
