me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
