peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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