guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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