dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
