i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
