Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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