On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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