You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
from now on my penis is your penis
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
