his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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