i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize