But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
