mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
