The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
