Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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