never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Enjoy the penises
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
