I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
