I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize