Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
