Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
