he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
