The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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