You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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