In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
