I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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