Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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