Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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