I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
