new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
