Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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