u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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