Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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