If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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