I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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