I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
