We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
