Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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