dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
