i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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