She went from zero to smokin in five shots
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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