guys are not supposed to queef...right?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
