I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize