3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
