Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
