Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
