I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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