Your dad touched me again.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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