You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
