also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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