I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
