It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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