who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
