Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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