Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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