He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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