I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
